Engraving
by ohmytheon
Summary: Edward leaves himself a reminder to never forget this day, not that he needs it. He is thirteen and this day will be engraved in his memory for as long as he lives.


**Author's Notes:** Honestly, I just wanted to write about Ed today. It felt right. I will love Roy forever, but at the end of the day, I just want to cry about Edward. He is my precious and angry, small son. I wrote this in like ten minutes, maybe less, so excuse me for the mistakes.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing except for my tears.

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 **Engraving**

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"You want to burn it down?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

Edward turns his face away from his brother and stares down at his State Alchemist watch. It's shiny, untouched in its glory, and yet it somehow already feels tainted. He's a Dog of the Military now, but he swallows whatever reservations he might have about that and ignores them. There's no room for doubt in his life now, not when his brother depends on it.

He'd thought that he would've given anything to get his mother back, but now he knows that he's nothing but a liar. Life has limits for everything, including loved ones. He wants to say that he would give anything in the universe to get his brother's body back – to rid him of the armor shell that Edward has placed him in out of desperation – but deep down he knows that it isn't true. He is desperate and angry and he will sacrifice any part of himself for his brother, even bits of his soul, but there could come a time when something might cause him to hesitate.

At the end of the day, Edward will sacrifice himself for his brother, but if other people are involved, well, then he can't allow that. They made a promise to themselves when Edward had gone to take the State Alchemist exam. They will not bring anyone else down during their quest. There's a lot that Edward feels like he needs to make up for as it is, and he's only thirteen. The urge to laugh bitterly bubbles up inside of him, but instead he pockets the watch and looks out the window.

"I'm sure."

A little while later, Edward excuses himself to the restroom. He nicks a knife from someone's table as their eating dinner for one of the train provided meals. As he huddles in the cramped space of the train bathroom on top of the closed toilet, he stares down at his watch.

So perfect, so shiny, so new. It's supposed to be the mark of a State Alchemist, their pride, their way to show off and prove themselves. Edward doesn't care about that. He knows that he's an excellent alchemist – and he also knows that half the reason he was given the title at such a startling young age was because he had seen Truth. Now that he's seen that, he can't lie to himself anymore. Only one or two State Alchemists were chosen a year. Alphonse congratulated him on passing. Mustang, well, he gave a typical, snarky response. There had been some pride there, but a hint of resignation as well, like he knew what Edward was going through.

Of course, Mustang had been through Ishval. He was a hero for it, in fact. He knew that being a State Alchemist could become a curse as much as a blessing. Yes, Edward could get his hands on all sorts of research about the Philosopher's Stone and how to return Al to his body – but he could also get called to do some horrific things. Ed pops open the watch and gazes as second hand tick by. He told himself that he would damn himself if it meant saving his little brother when he took the test, but now he's not so sure. He has to sacrifice a piece of himself to do that, and he doesn't want to admit it to Al.

He has to do it though. They have to do it. Together, as they started out before. Ed grips the watch tightly like he could grip his responsibility for his actions. They did this. He did this. It hadn't been what he wanted, but he was foolish to think that he could achieve what the universe did. His arrogance was the one to bring them to this, and he needs to fix it more than he needs to feed his wavering ego.

Taking the knife, Ed begins to carve into the watch, slowly at first, until he is sure. He's patient, more than he has ever been in his life, as he makes each slashing and digging move. He never looks away, so focused on the task at hand.

By the time he is done, the whistle of the train pulls his attention away. There's a knock on the door and Al's metallic and timid voice calling, "We're about to dock into the Resembool station," on the other side of the door.

Ed swallows and nods his head, even though Alphonse can't see him through the door. He looks down at his State Alchemist watch and sets it down on the counter by the sink. After pressing his hands together, he touches the watch and then shuts it, sealing it completely. He tucks the watch into his pocket and then unlocks the bathroom door to step outside. Al is standing there, emoting more nervousness from his metal armor body than Edward ever could with his human one.

Putting a strained smile on his face, Edward looks up at his little brother. "Let's go home. One last time."

He doesn't tell his brother about the newly engraved words on his watch and he doesn't look at them again for quite some time, not even when someone asks him to look at his State Alchemist watch or what the time is. He doesn't explain why he never opens his watch either. He doesn't talk about this day or what happens that night. He doesn't forgive himself and he certainly doesn't forget.

 _Don't forget 3. Oct. 11"_

Oh, Edward knows, he never will, not even after all is said and done.


End file.
